“I wanted to have it all”
I understood that it was a good idea the day I spoke about it to my mother. She’s cool, but she’s from another era. ” It’s awesome ! she exclaimed. I had just explained to her that I had decided to become a mother outside the traditional couple. I didn’t want to have two children at once. She burst out laughing. She understood very well what I meant by that. And when I asked him, “Is there a man in your life who hasn’t let you down?” she replied with a shy little “no”. My dad wasn’t a bad dad though. Quite the contrary. After their separation, which happened smoothly, he raised me alone for a long time, and he was wonderful. Simply my parents had not anticipated my arrival, and I felt that I was a constraint. Adult, walking with my girlfriends towards an increasingly assumed feminism, I understood that my father was an exception. I saw my straight friends questioning one by one their desire for motherhood, the ultimate trap of patriarchy. I could only agree with them. But I was stubborn. I wanted to have it all: sex, love, motherhood and intellectual emulation. I thought I would find it all in one person: Arthur. Our couple fulfilled me and I projected a future with a stroller and walks in the park. When he left me, I was heartbroken. It’s banal, but banality takes nothing away from the pain. Then I realized that to the heartache was added another wound, I had lost “all that”. “All that” were my desires for motherhood. I was 30 years old and I decided to no longer depend on the love of a man to make a family. This is where the idea of co-parenting came to me. The more I thought about it, the more awesome I thought it was. Am I capable of having a baby on my own? Yes ! Do I want to have a child with someone: absolutely! But if I have a child outside the couple, the risks of separation are over! Love, sex, motherhood, intellectual emulation. I could have it all if I stopped waiting for one person to meet all my needs. Society had already separated sex and love. But in the field of motherhood everything remained to be invented.
“By dint of scrolling, I have become an expert”
When I registered on a dating site for co-parents, I realized how long the journey would be. I have created a profile, but how do I formulate my search criteria? Four categories were offered to me: progenitor (someone who gives his sperm without getting involved), co-parenting, homoparenthood (couple of men or women, looking for another couple or a third person) and making a family (for those who already have children). Looking for a sire didn’t interest me. If I wanted to get pregnant, being bisexual, I just had to go to a bar. I was not in a relationship and had no children, so it was indeed a co-parent that I was looking for.
Read also >> This is my story: “My father’s ghost saved my life”
I started scanning profiles, like I do on Tinder. But with very different criteria. If I usually attach some importance to the physical, I focus here on health issues. I saw that others had fewer scruples and refused redheads, the little ones, the big ones, in search of the “perfect” genetic code, like in a bad science fiction story… Above all, for me who looking for someone to raise a child with, displaying my values from the outset is essential. And talking about educational projects a priority. Are we for a non-violent education? What do we think of food? custody methods? What are our medium and long-term geographical projects? All these crucial questions, which very often surprise couples and sometimes make them explode… By dint of scrolling, I have become an expert. Many (many) men generously offer their services – figure out their cum – the natural way – figure out your ass. There are of course other methods, in particular that of the Doliprane pipette, which, it seems, is effective. But, on these subjects, the sites are nebulous. Sperm donation is only authorized in France in approved establishments for obvious ethical reasons. The sites therefore compete in imagination. This is what they suggest: at the time of ejaculation, caused only by the progenitor (understanding he jerks off), a fleeting penetration at the entrance to the vagina allows the semen to be transmitted. If there is penetration, the legislator has nothing to complain about. Neither seen nor known, I confuse you. I am not yet in this kind of problem. I want to find someone with whom to build my project. I will ask myself the question of “how” afterwards. Yet I am overwhelmed with proposals. “Travels throughout France”, “100% natural method, guaranteed orgasm”, “Good very fertile sperm”, “Discreet, available and well mounted”, etc. I’m disgusted. Obviously Tinder is not enough. The smartest or the most desperate extend their hunting ground to co-parenting sites. When I wanted to report a particularly aggressive profile, a new surprise: a wall. While these sites are for the most part paying and even very expensive (more than 30 euros per month on average), there is no trace of a moderator. I was guided to a video promoting the site, and invited to post my complaint in the comments. Lunar!
“I’m here by choice and I’m a bit of a stain”
But I am not discouraged. I always wanted children. It happened to me when my niece was born. I was 10 years old. When I leaned over the cradle of Iris, I was taken with an immeasurable love. The responsibility took my breath away. I reassured this little wailing being: “You didn’t ask to come into the world. But I’ll be there for you no matter what. Iris made me put her needs before mine. I, being the selfish type, loved it. As I continued to scroll, I came across many people on the spectrum, hampered in their desire for family by the difficulty of social relationships. Foreigners, men and women, hoping to obtain papers. Lonely women, under the pressure of their so-called biological clock. Queers, prevented by the ambient conservatism. To put it bluntly: the outcasts of society. I’m here by choice and I’m a bit of a stain. On my first date – a 30-something whose older girlfriend already had a child – I found myself daydreaming. We had talked for months and the understanding was clear. After coffee, he texted me clumsily. I did not respond. Right now, I’m chatting with a woman. We agree on a lot of things. For example, I would like to carry the child but not breastfeed it. She would like the opposite (because it is possible!). So we continue to discuss. You have to take your time. Today I am 32 years old and I am not sure to find the rare pearl(s) on these sites, but by speaking with people who share my project, I refine it, I advance and above all I feel less alone. I also launched an Instagram account (@sisi_les_familles) to open up a safer discussion space. Everything remains to be built. In the law, in society, in minds, if only our own. The project is vast, but the hopes it raises, even greater. If all children could be born from well-thought-out, desired, mature projects, I believe the world would be better off.
