“Don’t be alarmed, the girl is blue and we don’t know if she will survive.” This was the first thing Linsey (31) heard after her daughter was born. She weighed only 780 grams. Luckily she survived. But Linsey would have 3 more premature births …
Linsey: “After everything they’ve been through, the guys are doing well. I am slowly improving. I am no longer afraid of losing children. At least, no more than any other mother. But as soon as they get sick, I have déjà vu and I keep getting out of bed at night to make sure they don’t have febrile seizures, which is common in premature babies. I prefer not to have anyone close to the children. I still want to make amends with them. “
Linsey was seventeen when she became pregnant with Mirella. not planned. “We had only been together for three months, but the baby was allowed to come. The pregnancy went well for 26 weeks, then a CTG showed there was less waist in my belly. The midwife did an ultrasound and two more days later. Then she referred me to the gynecologist. In the hospital my blood pressure was so high – I later learned I have HELLP syndrome – that they decided to induce labor the next day.
Finally Mirella was born a week later, at 27 weeks, naturally. In the last hour, things have almost gone wrong: her heart rate has dropped. And I heard someone say, “Don’t be alarmed, the baby is blue and we don’t know if he will survive.” I hadn’t slept much that week, a lot of things passed me by. But I still remember those words ”.
The first bottle: 3 cc
Mirella weighed 780 grams. “I only saw her after a few hours in the incubator, with all kinds of tubes and monitors and with a breathing tube in her mouth. Later she also received a blood transfusion because she kept seeing yellow. But she has developed well in the incubator. After ten days she received her first bottle: three cc. After four and a half weeks she moved to a heated bed. She was allowed to go home at three and a half months, weighing 2405 grams.
I was still young, I think this saved me. I had become a mother and worried, but I still had no real fears. The blow came when Mirella first developed a fever after a few months at home and she turned out to have the RS virus. She was immediately hospitalized. It was only at that time that she suddenly began to gnaw at me: what had happened during and after her pregnancy?
I had enormous fears, I didn’t even dare go out anymore. It got so bad that someone had to be with me 24 hours a day and I was given medication for anxiety and panic disorders. In retrospect, I think it was postpartum depression.
Anxiety and stress
The drug went into effect and after a while Linsey and her husband wanted a second child. “I thought: not another premature baby. We discussed this with the gynecologist, who will accompany me throughout the pregnancy. I got pregnant quickly. After eight weeks I was off meds, for three months I was taking other meds to control my blood pressure. I felt great.
Until the 27th week and I got scared: at 27 weeks Mirella was born. The gynecologist said: “We will welcome you, otherwise the baby will be due to stress.” I went to the monitor, but two days later I was allowed to go home.
I was still having contractions at 30 weeks. It was like I ended up in a movie, stunned. The contractions I was given in the hospital no longer helped: Elvin pulled out the umbilical cord and they couldn’t hear his heartbeat. Within five minutes I was in the operating room for an emergency caesarean section. Elvin weighed 1635 grams and needed to be resuscitated. I didn’t hear him cry, I didn’t know what was going on. I yelled, “Is he still alive?”
Although Elvin had been without oxygen for nearly four minutes, he made progress by leaps and bounds. First in the incubator, then in a heating bed. He was allowed to go home with five and a half weeks and 2330 grams. “At home I noticed that something was wrong. Elvin screamed all together as I picked him up. Only months later did I notice that he doesn’t like being touched – later it turned out that he has Asperger’s Syndrome, ADD and ADHD, things he would have had with a full term pregnancy.
A few weeks after giving birth, I had those fears again. And now I also felt guilty: that I hadn’t been able to carry a pregnancy to term twice, that I had now also had a Caesarean section and couldn’t bond with Elvin because I just couldn’t touch him. It seemed like a failure. I ended up having postpartum depression. I had to speak to a psychologist and they gave me the drugs again. This helped. Only after a year was I able to enjoy both of my children ”.
Angry with my body
Linsey liked motherhood, but a third child? No. Fear prevailed. Until the age of five. “Then she started itching again. After several tests, the chances of another premature birth turned out to be minimal – I was just perfectly healthy. So we went there. “
After an ectopic pregnancy – according to the gynecologist only bad luck – Linsey got pregnant again. “It was fine for up to 20 weeks, but after that I had contractions every few weeks, I was always hospitalized and even took the contraction inhibitors again. I was angry with everything and everyone, but especially with my body which let me down when it was supposed to function properly.
At 24 weeks I was also given lung maturation medications, when I was already two centimeters dilated. At 30 weeks, I was dilated by an inch. At 33 weeks the contractions returned and I was no longer taking contraction inhibitors, but I also no longer had dilation. After three days they asked, “Will we break your waters or leave you confused?” I replied: ‘Break my water, I’m tired, I can’t take it anymore.’ Eventually the waters broke spontaneously, but Kenan was found in a breech position and he too was born with an emergency caesarean section ”.
Mixed feelings
Kenan weighed 2380 grams and also had to fit into the incubator. “Now it’s a standard ritual for me. Obviously I thought: as long as it goes well. But he was already a real baby, he had a little more bacon than Mirella and Elvin. ”In total, Kenan was in the hospital for four and a half weeks.
Linsey herself was given antidepressants again less than 24 hours after giving birth, as a precaution. “It seemed so double: on the one hand I felt guilty, because I had thought: let nature help us. I should have done everything possible to keep the baby inside. On the other hand, for the first time I felt a bit like a midwife. When the two older ones got out of the hospital, I recovered physically. Kenan walked well, but it was still difficult for me to get in and out of bed. Then, when he needed his bottle at night, I stumbled around the house with him in my arms. It was new to me, I had wanted it with the other children. “
Crying at the gynecologist
Meanwhile, more and more cracks have appeared in Linsey’s marriage. “We didn’t talk about what happened to the children: they were fine, right? So we got lost more and more. A year after Kenan was born, we were practically divorced. Yet one day I was pregnant with our fourth child. I had had a stomach flu and proved to be not well protected against pregnancy. We considered abortion, but I couldn’t. My husband had mixed feelings, but I’m withdrawn. I couldn’t bear his worries.
I sat down to cry at the gynecologist. He said he would keep an eye on me until my motherhood period. This gave me hope for a happy pregnancy. From the beginning I had to take medications for my blood pressure. I had a perfect pregnancy up to 34 weeks. Then I had contractions. In the hospital he was immediately given a drug for pulmonary maturation. After 16 hours, the scar ripped off my uterus. Once again I was rushed to the operating room.
Dani weighed 2385 grams. “It turned out that she had a brain hemorrhage. I was so scared, I thought: the child I have carried the longest will not survive! An hour and a half after his birth, he was rushed to a university hospital. Fortunately, the cerebral hemorrhage was minimal and Dani was stable after 48 hours. “
After a week in the incubator, Dani was transferred to a regional hospital. “He had to rest, strengthen and grow. I myself had resigned from the hospital two days after giving birth: I wanted so much to be with my other children. But at home I had bleeding after bleeding. I was admitted to the mama hotel of the hospital where Dani was staying. I had my room and Dani’s incubator, then his warming bed was next to me. I was allowed to take care of him on my own – I had never had a maternity period like this! Four weeks after giving birth, Dani weighed 2500 grams, he was allowed to go home ”.
to do something good
“A year after Dani was born, my husband and I broke up. It just didn’t work anymore. I was an emotional mess over the last delivery and its aftermath, but I persisted in the divorce. I chose for myself. And I also thought that the children deserved a happy mother.
After this delivery, I didn’t want any antidepressants. My fears were less because of it, but my feelings seemed to be dead too. I thought I should be able to do it myself. And I don’t know how that’s possible – maybe because I had to now that I’m alone – but I got rid of all the fears and panic disorders.
Babies have nothing left from their premature birth. Mirella is thirteen, attends general secondary education and is a sweet and lively teenager with a passion for horses. Ten-year-old Elvin is attending a special education and is also doing well: he is very sweet, sensitive and seems happy. Kenan is four years old, very enterprising and the vice itself, but also very sweet. And Dani … he’s a really good guy. And we call him Einstein, because he talks like a wonderfully wise child.
That whole period of pregnancies, births and the time after it was a real roller coaster: the fears, the tensions and the stress that I had 24/7, the physical pain … But all those tears are slowly starting to heal. I just feel guilty. I wanted a good start for all the kids and I couldn’t give it to them. I know I can’t help it, but I’m responsible for it. My love for them is unconditional, yet I still feel the need to make amends with them ”.
Text: Hilli for the day
Photo: Ruud Hoornstra
Make-up: Lisette Verhoofstad
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