6 Difficult Grandparenting Styles: How to Manage and Overcome Them

L’arrival of a grandchild is an opportunity for grandparents to re-experience parenting differently. After raising their now grown children, they had to let go of diapers for a while but did not forget their educational principles. Thus, it is quite common to see some ancestors model their parental style on their descendants a generation later, and enforce their rules and punishments on their grandson/granddaughter. The problem is that they are generally not the reference attachment figures: depending on their behavior, they can therefore involuntarily hinder the education set up by the parentsand harm the good development of the child…

Indeed, if the latter receives a message from his grandfather that contradicts that of his mother, he will no longer know what to refer to, he will feel insecure and his balance will be weakened. If the original intention is benevolent, they can make their parenthood more complicated to manage. All of the behaviors adopted by grandparents are grouped into 6 educational styles distinct and differentiated, difficult to manage according to psychologists. Discover them to know how to face and overcome them.

“Line Crosser” grandparents: those who exceed your limits

The name of this educational style is more than self-explanatory. The grandparents called “Line Crossers” are in fact those who do not respect the limits set by the parents, whether physical or psychological. Thus, they are omnipresent to the point of becoming intrusive: they give their opinion on the education of the toddler when they have not been asked, they arrive at the house to see it when they are not invited, they impose rules on the child when the parents have already done so…

Psychologists explain that grandparents may mistakenly feel that they have “ownership” and full responsibility for the situation: “it makes sense: for years they were responsible for your well-being, and realizing that they are no longer the decision maker for your life (and that of your offspring) can be difficult to accept”details author Jill Spiegel to our colleagues at parents.com*.

Also, as mentioned earlier, grandparents tend to reproduce the parental model that they deployed when they had to raise their own child (= you): if they had an authoritarian style, if they were helicopter parents, they will naturally be oppressive, ultra-present for the little one. son or granddaughter to the point of threaten your parental authority. Finally, in some more extreme cases, they may even subconsciously covet and envy your parenting role.

Psychologists suggestinclude and involve the grandparent in the areas you have chosen and in which you will feel comfortable integrating them. By doing so, you value his presence and his usefulness in the life of the toddler, while reminding him of the scope in which he can act. You set limits for it and prevent it from taking up too much space.

The so-called “Snide Sniper” educational style: sarcastic grandparents

In appearance, this style of grandparents is the most unpleasant for parents. In English, “Snide Sniper” literally means “sarcastic sniper” : this expression implies that the grandparent indirectly and frequently criticizes the parent on his way of educating the kid. Here, the metaphor is well chosen: stashed in his hiding place, he clashes and “shoot live ammunition” on the dad or the mom (as one could say in the urban jargon). Little spades, micro-insults, bitter comments, harsh criticism that doesn’t seem like it: he is contemptuous but subtle, plays in the passive-aggressive register, is never direct.

“This often happens when a grandparent doesn’t like your choices but doesn’t have enough self-esteem to say so (…) It can be a way of showing disdain without taking the risk of being direct”explains Dr. Cook to our colleagues from Parents.com.

Psychologists suggesthave direct and open communication with the grandparent “Snide Sniper”, to encourage him to talk to you by initiating the discussion yourself. Contextualization: if you are confronted with a passive-aggressive remark from the grandparent, respond with a sentence like “Can you clarify what you are trying to say?”. By doing so, you allow him and allow him to be direct with you when he doesn’t dare to initiate the conversation on his own.

The “competitive” grandparents

Surely you have already heard of this style of grandparents. Like competitive parents, they want be better than their peers in life and in the eyes of their grandchild. Very often, this rivalry is also directed towards the grandparents on the other side of the family tree: they want to be the kid’s favorite grandparents, they want to spend more time with him than the others…

Specialists explain that the concerned grandparents ractually feel insecure as to their usefulness, their added value, their place in the life of the grandson or granddaughter. This “grandparenting” style is relatively difficult to manage for the parents who, in addition to having to manage the education of the child, must defuse the crisis which takes place between their ancestors.

as much as they can, parents need to reassure grandparents concerned, by recalling how much they are loved by the toddler, and by verbally acknowledging their added value and their importance in the latter’s life: “You’re the only one who went apple picking with him, and he loved it!” For a more concrete approach, the psychologists also propose to organize family meals and meetings where grandparents from both sides are invited. The interest is to show them that they all have the same common interest: the happiness of the toddler. Once reunited, they will remember that they are on the same team, and that they are not enemies.

The parenting style of “lesson-giver” grandparents

Grand parents “lesson givers” are also common. If it is normal to want to advise your loved ones because you want the best for them, these grandparents are (too) often moral. However, like everyone else, they have their own vision of good and evil… Some advice given therefore sometimes represents a danger for their adored grandchild, on several levels: physical and mental health, unfounded ideas and principles and/or ” arrears”, which do not coincide with the values ​​you wish to convey…

Having already been parents, they think they have more experience and therefore more legitimacy than you in the education of a child – that of their grandson included. Except that, seniority does not necessarily mean hyper competence… And they sometimes have trouble hearing it. They think they have more parenting skills, and are sure to let you know.

If the remark is minimal, you can indicate that you heard, listened to, valued what he had to say, without validating the content: “I’ll write it down”, could be a phrase spoken to defuse the situation. If the remark implies that you don’t have the parenting skills necessary to properly rear your blond head, psychologists suggest that you respond by showing how much the remark hurt you: “It would mean a lot if you could let us know that you believe in us.”

If their behavior interferes with your role as a parent, it’s time to set the limits, taking care to respect their past experience of parenthood. Avoid pronouncing a sentence of the style “you do not understand”, “you are completely disconnected”.

The grandparents who pose a real danger to their grandchild

As their name suggests, these grandparents are literally a danger for the health and for the life of the child. Distracted, dizzy, involuntarily negligent, too physically tired: they are no longer made to take care of young children.

Whatever their role, their title and/or their family ties, this does not give them a free pass, an immunity as to their presence in the life of your child. Thus, if they represent a danger for the latter, you are not obliged to grant them time with your little one. The specialists therefore recommend that you temporarily disengage, while explaining to them the reasons for this “retreat“.

Le grand-parent absent : “Absentee Ancestor”

This style of grandparenting is not at all present in the life of the grandchild: it does not express any form of attachment and/or commitment to him. He does not make it a priority, does not put it at the center of his existence; at least not as much as the parents would like.

Very often, after having worked for a long time and having devoted himself to the life of his children, he now wants to taste the joys of retired life and idleness, to take advantage of his independence. Thus, his absence is not due to a lack of love, but rather a lack of time: he is far too busy traveling or socializing to care about anyone else.

Since this parenting style mostly hurts the parents more than the grandchild, it is important that you introspect yourself. Try to understand your expectations of your own parentsto see if they don’t distort your view of reality. What drives them to act like this? Is it really indifference? Or “just” too much independence? You can also talk about it directly with the principals concerned. Ask them what would help them feel satisfied in their connection with their grandchild, while allowing them to live their own lives. You might not get the response you want, but at least you’ll feel lighter.