“14 Years of Maternal Love: A Daughter’s Journey of Caregiving through Strokes and Cancer”

Mother’s Day is approaching, the love for mother in the heart should be spoken out loud! Because life is impermanent, don’t leave regrets. Ah Fei, who has been working as a social worker for the elderly for more than 23 years, has had a strong relationship with her mother since she was a child. But my mother had a severe stroke when Ah Fei was 28 years old. Later, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a third stroke. The condition was so critical that the hospital refused to accept her. In desperation, Ah Fei gave up his private life without hesitation, and took his mother around to seek medical treatment. In 2014, 4 months and 22 days, she worked as a social worker during the day and as a private caregiver for her mother at night and during holidays. But there are only two words to support Ah Fei: “Mother’s love”.

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Ah Fat, born in 1977, was originally named Lu Meiling. Because of her slender fat, her mother gave her this flower name. There are three sisters in Ah Fei’s family, and she is the second. “My mother always said that she loves me the most.” But in fact, Ah Fei should have had an older brother, but because of a medical accident in 1971, the mother lost her child and her body was permanently damaged. The constant surgeries left my mother with scars all over her belly, not even a navel. But in order to support the family, my mother still supports her body and works around the clock. Ah Fei’s heart ached for her mother’s hard work, so she vowed to study hard, to be filial to her mother in the future, and not to let her work hard.

first serious stroke

In order to ensure that her mother is in good health and enjoys happiness, Ah Fei has taken her to have a physical examination every year since graduating from university, and her mother has always been in good health. On the morning of September 8, 2005, as usual, Ah Fei called his mother who was visiting during the lunch break and reminded her to get the blood test report. At 4:00 p.m., the center for the elderly called suddenly—the mother suddenly fainted during the visit, unresponsive and unconscious. At the moment, Ah Fei only thought that her mother might suffer from heat stroke; when Ah Fei arrived at the hospital and saw her mother being carried out of the ambulance, she felt bad:

The nurse told me to cut up my mother’s clothes for rescue. That dress was something she had been reluctant to wear, saying that it was a mother-daughter outfit that she would only wear on important occasions. It was the first time she put it on that day. The doctor asked me to be mentally prepared that my mother would not survive the night. I was devastated at the time, because my mother was only 62 years old, and I finished talking with me on the phone at noon. How could I give up saving her so easily?

In the end, my mother survived the night with strong will; but she could never stand, eat or walk again. In the next year and a half, Ah Fei spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on treatments including tongue acupuncture, whole body acupuncture, swallowing therapy, and electric shock therapy for her mother. The process was painful, but unfortunately my mother still couldn’t eat again. After examination, it was found that my mother suffered a stroke near the brain stem, which caused the loss of many functions of the body. Fortunately, my mother recovered some speech function during the treatment. Although the pronunciation was not accurate, Ah Fei could hear clearly.

Transitioning from Social Worker to Caregiver: Overwhelming

Such a serious stroke would happen to my mother, Ah Fei said he never thought about it. Being a social worker for the elderly service did not make Ah Fei feel comfortable taking care of his mother. For her, all care work is a new challenge:

My mother’s condition and the degree of care she needs are very serious. The care she needs is beyond my daily work. So I was completely at a loss and powerless; I also felt very frightened and helpless.

But despite the difficulties, Ah Fei still faced it firmly. Because the family lives in a tenement building, it is impossible to carry my mother up the stairs to take care of her; the accommodation fee in the private hospital has already used up more than 50,000 yuan in just two weeks, which is too huge. In the end, Ah Fei had no choice but to choose a nursing home and arrange a private place for her mother to take care of her. She gave up her private life time, and went to the nursing home to take care of her mother every day after get off work and every holiday. Cleaning the mouth, changing the film, taking a shower, breastfeeding and other nursing work, all of which are done by Ah Fei, regardless of the weather. Even if she was sick and fell together holding her mother’s hand when she was uncomfortable, she persisted.

Re-diagnosed with terminal breast cancer and third-degree stroke

But when he put his mother in the nursing home, Ah Fei didn’t want to stay any longer. She promised her mother that she would take her home. In the middle of 2017, Ah Fei bought an off-plan property, and the new building has an elevator. It is expected that he will be able to move in one year later, fulfilling his promise to his mother. But on September 30, when Ah Fei was helping her mother take a shower, she suddenly felt a hard lump the size of squashed soap on her right breast. As a result, the mother was diagnosed with terminal HER2 breast cancer 2 weeks later.

A normal person suffering from HER2 breast cancer needs surgery, electrotherapy, and targeting, a three-pronged approach. But my mother couldn’t bear it, and in the end I only chose to do targeted therapy for her. Spending money is like pouring water, but it has little effect.

In September 2018, my mother had a second severe stroke in the brain stem, and she was sent back to Caritas Hospital in a coma, but the hospital had nothing to do. Seeing her mother’s condition worsening, the skin on her right breast gradually became thinner, damaged, and festered. Ah Fei described the wound as bloody as if he had been shot 5 times. In February and July 2019, my mother had another third or fourth stroke. She could no longer speak, move, or even close one eye.

I signed the consent form to refuse rescue, because I felt that it was really unnecessary at this time, and let her continue to stay by my side with bruises all over her body.

On December 20, 2019, Ah Fei took his mother, who had a fever and bleeding from the wound, to the “San Ning Home” for dying patients, and spent the last 41 nights with her.

determination to persist

In 14 years, 4 months and 22 days, Ah Fei described her mother as a life warrior; but it was not easy for Ah Fei to take care of her seriously ill mother. The reason for her not to give up is only the word “maternal love”:

Because of my mother’s love, because she loves us very much. When we were young, my mother always tried her best to give us a good life with her limited time and money. If I had to choose again, I would still not give up treating her, because there is only one mother, and if she loses it, there will be no more. I also know that if the status is changed, my mother will not easily leave me alone. Could it be because she is sick and peeing that she is hurting me? I don’t think so. I would not be where I am today without her, so I will definitely repay and take care of her.

words to mom

Recalling the episode before his mother’s stroke, Ah Fei still couldn’t help but burst into tears. She recalled that in order to lose weight, she fiercely rejected the snowy mooncakes made by her mother, but she could never eat them again. After work, I tried to persuade my mother to be willing to spend the money I gave, but my mother only said slowly, “The money will be reserved for your future marriage.” It wasn’t until Ah Fei was looking for the medical expenses that he realized that his mother had saved 360,000 in this “dowry passbook” within 5 years, which greatly solved Ah Fei’s urgent money needs.

Taking care of his mother for many years is hard work for Ah Fei, but what is more tormenting is the pain in his heart:

She always says I’m good, but I’m not good at all. Sometimes my mother couldn’t control her urination and accidentally dropped the inserted throat, and I couldn’t help scolding her when I got angry. In the end, we hugged and cried and made up…One night she suddenly looked at me with wet eyes Said, “Fat, you took care of me, you worked so hard.” I didn’t know how to respond at the moment, and I was very sad, because I felt more sorry for the hardship she endured.

Ah Fei didn’t feel relaxed when his mother returned to Tianjia. Missing her all the time, she can only make herself live more fulfillingly, telling herself that she shoulders the mission of her mother. Mother’s Day is approaching. Although Ah Fei often says “I love you” to her mother, she has more words. At this moment, she wants her mother to know:

I hope you can see Ah Fei is strong and brave, and work hard to carry on your spirit. Everything you do to me, I will live up to. My ultimate goal is also to return to you. Hope you will pick me up at Paradise Station and not forget me.

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Reporter: Zhang Pei